Every humor site has one page that refuses to be forgotten. Ours is this one. The Poopie List has been forwarded, printed, taped inside bathroom stalls and read aloud at entirely inappropriate moments since the early 2000s. It is juvenile, it is unscientific, and it is - as millions of readers have confirmed - uncomfortably accurate. We present it here in its classic form, lightly dusted off but unbowdlerized. You know at least four people who need this page. Send it to them.
The Complete Taxonomy
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your seat and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.
TURTLE POOPIE: The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.
GASSY POOPIE: The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night out. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: (Self explanatory.)
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet and accomplish nothing.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: The kind where it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.
LIQUID POOPIE: The kind where a yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
FIVE-ALARM POOPIE: The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.
UPPER CLASS POOPIE: The kind of poopie that doesn't smell.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to pass a little gas, but - OOPS - a poopie!
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
A Brief Defense of the Poopie List
Is it sophisticated? No. Is it art? Also no. But the Poopie List endures because it does what the best email humor always did: it names a universal experience nobody talks about, and suddenly the whole office is laughing at the same forwarded page. It has been circulating since the era of dial-up modems, and like all true internet folklore it has no known author - only millions of grateful editors. If laughter really is good medicine, consider this page a full course of treatment.
Pass It On
The Poopie List is a greeting card in the GreetingGrams tradition: copy this page's link and send it to a friend whose day needs improving. Then wash your hands and browse the rest of the jokes collection, take on 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator, or return to the main page for grown-up greetings. (The grown-up greetings are also free. They are just less proud of themselves.)