Before call-blocking apps, before caller ID was standard, there was only one defense against the dinner-time sales call: creativity. This list of telemarketing comebacks was one of the most beloved email forwards of its era - a citizens' field manual for turning the tables. We preserve it here in its classic form. Deploy with a straight face.
The Twelve Comebacks
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I ever have to pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”
- If you get one of those pushy callers who won't stop talking, just listen to the whole sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them you'll need to go get your credit card. Then set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping, or whatever. See how long they wait.
- If they start out with “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or: “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days, and I have all these problems - my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...” When they try to steer back to the sales pitch, continue with your problems.
- If the caller says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name. Then ask him to spell the company name. Then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions about the company for as long as necessary.
- This one works better if you are male. Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Canyon Services...” You: “Hang on a second.” (Pause.) Then, in your huskiest voice: “Okay... what are you wearing?”
- Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully this gives Julie a few moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could possibly know you from.
- Say “No” over and over. Vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even while they are talking. This is most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
- If a phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for a family calling plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?”
- If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out? You can? Well, how about goat blood, or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?”
- Let them go through the entire spiel, offering occasional encouragement: “Uh-huh.” “Really!” “That's fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get flustered, explain that you couldn't possibly give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
- Tell them you work for the same company. Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Widget & Associates.” You: “Widget & Associates! Hey, I work for them too! Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh... Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How's business? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”
- Tell them you are busy, and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, ask for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. When they say, “Well, I don't really want to get a call at home,” say: “Ya! Now you know how I feel!”
The Modern (Boring but Effective) Option
Comedy aside, the legitimate fix exists: the National Do Not Call Registry, run by the Federal Trade Commission, lets you remove your number from legal telemarketing lists for free, and the FTC's guide to blocking unwanted calls covers the robocall era. It is far more effective than the goat-blood gambit, though admittedly much less fun at parties.
Forward to a Fellow Soldier
Everyone knows someone still fighting the phone wars - send them this page. Then continue your training with 15 Ways to Annoy Your Co-Workers or relax with the timeless Lessons for Life in the email-forwards archive.