Somewhere in the 1990s, an anonymous comedian drafted the harshest HR memo never actually issued, and the working world has been gleefully forwarding it ever since. The Sick Leave Policy is a parody of corporate policy-speak so pitch-perfect that, reportedly, more than one employee has had a brief moment of panic before reaching the restroom schedule. We reproduce the classic memo below for educational purposes. Do not show your manager. They may get ideas.
MEMO - TO: ALL EMPLOYEES - SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS: No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH (other than your own): This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00 to 8:15, and so on. If you are unable to go at your scheduled time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation.
The Fine Art of the Fake Memo
The Sick Leave Policy belongs to a proud tradition of corporate parody - documents that weaponize the bland language of management against itself. The joke is not just the cruelty; it is the typeface-perfect bureaucratic politeness with which the cruelty is delivered. “We appreciate your cooperation” is the funniest line in the whole memo, and it is only four words. For the record, actual workplace sick-leave rights are considerably friendlier - the U.S. Department of Labor maintains the real rules, none of which involve alphabetical restroom scheduling.
Route to Your Department
Forward this memo to a coworker with the subject line “New policy - please review.” We accept no liability for the consequences. Related reading is filed under Prison vs. Work and 15 Ways to Annoy Your Co-Workers, and the complete humor archive lives in the jokes collection.